The Gap
I refer to Dr Peter Goh’s letter “Babies: How singles can help” (TODAY, Aug 29). I too fear that having children will be a masochistic act of locking my husband and I in some kind of lifelong imprisonment, mostly due to the thought of having to give up the freedom we enjoy now, being able to visit crowded sales or have late night supper with friends in the back alleys of Joo Chiat – things I would not advise parents to do with little children in tow.
But what I fear most is not having to give up our “social lives” and lose touch with the “scene”, but that we may be creating a “social chasm” between us and our friends, not being able to relate to the same experiences or understand what each other are going through.
I have already felt this chasm when I got married at 21 – while most of my friends were complaining about NS, university or their foray into the working world, my mind was filled with getting the best deals for the renovation and purchasing furniture for my home, applying for the monthly parking fees to be deducted from my giro account, considering the different CPF investments in the market, and very importantly, which dust sweeper would be most effective.
You could tell me about the latest designer sale, blockbuster movie or fancy gadgetry, but the husband and I buy clothes from reject stores, watch rented DVDs on our couch (bought at a great sale price), and buy second-hand DSLRs and lenses to feed our passion in photography.
When talking to girlfriends especially, there is a great divide to overcome – I always find it hard to find meaning in their newest interests, while they wish and pray hard that they will never become as “domesticated” as I am.
Having already seen the rift between the married or even long-time couple, and our more single and available friends, makes me even more afraid that I will become completely incomprehensible to my friends when I start speaking in the alien language of diapers and breastfeeding.
Hence the husband and I wisely thought about waiting for the others in our circle to “catch up”, and time having a family such that we will all be in the same phase in our lives. But considering that we’ve been married for 3 years and the rest are starkly single, I really wonder how much more of our youth we can throw away before finally deciding to perhaps more wisely expend our youthful energy and wits to raising children now, and enjoying them as they grow.
But I foresee a sad future in which, as we excitedly tell cute anecdotes to our friends, we will receive in return polite smiles, as the conversation then moves on more enthusiastically to the newer, darker superhero remake.
At the end of the day, while having children is a personal choice, it is still influenced by those around us. If our friends won’t understand and be able to relate to us as parents, are we willing to give up the camaraderie we enjoy now for the joy of having children? Can we have both? Or is that being too greedy?
